


Hold Me Tight (or Don't)

by Demytasse



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Casual Sex, Denial of Feelings, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, High School, Implied Sexual Content, Kissing, M/M, Possibly Unrequited Love, Post-High School, Sex, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-23
Updated: 2018-06-23
Packaged: 2019-05-27 05:56:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15018137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Demytasse/pseuds/Demytasse
Summary: Romantics believe their fate is tied to that of their soulmate, like it’s some intricate plot written by the stars and unbreakable by any means. Essentially, their paths were meant to cross. So on a night such as this, when hopeful saps and starry-eyed lovers gather to view the stellar nightscape, it’s fitting that I would spend the afternoon discussing my melancholic relationship with Shinra....he and I were neverstar-crossed,nor will we ever be. It’s more that I’m cross that destiny lead him down another path than mine.---Shinra approaches Izaya with an opportunity to broaden their relationship in pursuit of experience for his hoped future with Celty. As it turns out, separating emotions from sex is harder than Izaya would have bargained.





	Hold Me Tight (or Don't)

**Author's Note:**

> The prologue is written in first-person from Izaya's POV. The rest of the fic will be third-person limited from Izaya's POV (with possible short first-person lead ins to each chapter, stiiill deciding that).  
> Starts in a high school setting and continues onward.

People can only be considered people if they’re present. When they leave both your metaphorical and literal side, they’re immediately stripped of their human status and become a mere thought in a sea of memories. While some _thoughts_ have benefits for holding onto, others are completely useless as they’re unable to be repurposed or recycled.

In other words… _they're trash._

I, myself, prefer to be frugal with my energy, therefore out of convenience it makes sense that I throw out those who no longer offer a purpose. A mere two weeks of no interaction will cause me to forget that person's very existence.

Now, that’s not to say that I forget them completely, it's more that I forget them right up until I remember again, all with some spectacular 'aha’ moment. As far as my mind is concerned, my memory of them is indefinitely on hiatus.

_Doesn't that make me heartless?_

Well… I suppose that’s up to you to determine! You _are_ able to make conclusions of your own, correct?  
  
From my perspective, though, it's more that I’d rather share my heart evenly with the masses, the ones that I’m actually interested in. Indeed, I have a heart to share, but for the forgotten there's little proof that I have one.

I’ve come to this understanding, and while it can be a bit... _disheartening_ , I embrace it. There are far too many fascinating people in this world to get burdened by the ones that let you down. There's really no need to hold onto them for your own benefit and others alike.

This is the strategy that I’ve devised and I pride myself in it. It’s unfortunate that I find myself using it so often, but it’s necessary to clear my disappointment. I’m human after all, and I have my own weaknesses to deal with.

 

This might sound a tad unbelievable, but I recently forgot the existence of my close friend. If I were to call him my _best_ friend then in the eyes of the empathetic my action would be downright criminal! Of course, that term is way too _grade school_ for my tastes so I guess I can escape the charges against my own morality.

I did, however, refer to him as _my friend_. Call it cheesy, but I really only used it in a sardonic fashion; a way to dig at the depth or status of our relationship. We had a rather antagonistic friendship, you see, so what’s one petty mock among many?

At any rate, I was having a casual conversation with a client a few weeks back when I unconsciously slipped in a mention of _my friend_ , devoid of any recognition of whom I spoke of. It stopped me dead in my tracks.

You know that feeling when you haven't used a particular word in awhile and it makes you question if you remembered the definition correctly? That was the sensation that struck me.

 _Curious_ , who could I have been referring to?

A moment later I realized that I _did_ in fact have a close friend, one whose existence shouldn't have fallen victim to my strategy. All it took was a slip of the tongue to shed light on my forgetfulness.

Of course, how could I forget _my_ _friend?_

And with a smile and nod in Freud's direction, I laughed.

Supposedly, he was the strongest human connection that I had, unrivaled and unforgettable. Yet, when the prick up and left without even a courtesy call, a short two weeks later he slipped from my mind. It should have been appalling how easily he was forgotten, but in the middle of a business meeting I shrugged it off.

_Was it a coping mechanism?_

I’ll be honest, it was. A relationship with him came with a hefty psychological price; a relationship that teetered between healthy and not, depending on your perspective.

What may have been obviously toxic from the outside, in the midst of it I was unable to see the reality. The aftermath of this whole situation offered me a generous serving of perspective. Let's call it an epiphany to save my pride.

When I specifically called him _my_ friend, it gave me some sort of ownership over him. It fed my unconscious desire to be more than just an occasional thought for him and satisfied my need enough to keep me going.

Unfortunately, it led me to claim more of him than just _my_ _friend_ , and even more that I hoped to claim him as well. He was already a series of _my firsts_ and that list built up far too quickly and led him to become the object of _my affection_.

Soon my false ownership became somewhat of an obsession; specifically _he_ became _my obsession._

Alas, my recent understanding made it clear that he was never _mine_ to claim.

What a tragedy. Out of all the nouns that could be used in his reference, none could ever follow the pronoun of _my_ ownership.

 

I certainly got off track, didn’t I? Should I get back to your question…?

_Who is Kishitani Shinra to me?_

Hmm, would you believe me if I claimed him as _my lover?_   Yes, that does imply that Shinra’s one in the same with _my friend_ to whom I’ve been gabbing about.

Ahaha, there I go claiming that he was _mine_ again. It’s a terribly difficult habit to break.

I suppose it’s ironic that he should come up today of all days. Or maybe it’s destiny? Fate? ...that's a laugh.

_What's today?_

That was more of a joke for my own benefit, but your tenacious meddling humours me, so I’ll return the favour by humouring you.

Stargazing has been a hot topic among hobbyist astronomers and astrologers lately; supposedly the forecast calls for optimal view of an astrological event of some sort. If it were something that I was interested in I would be able to give you the specifics as to _why_ , but sadly...

The beauty of this city itself will always outshine the constellations for me. If not for my tunnel vision then perhaps I could join in on the excitement.

_Why is it ironic then?_

Well, if you believe in the mystical premonitions of astrology then it should be obvious.

Romantics believe their fate is tied to that of their soulmate, like it’s some intricate plot written by the stars and unbreakable by any means. Essentially, their paths were meant to cross. So on a night such as this, when hopeful saps and starry-eyed lovers gather to view the stellar nightscape, it’s fitting that I would spend the afternoon discussing my melancholic relationship with Shinra.

To continue in hyperbolic fashion, he and I were never _star-crossed_ , nor will we ever be. It’s more that I’m _cross_ that destiny lead him down another path other than mine, ohoho!

Setting aside my faithless view of that nonsense, it would have been an opportunistic excuse to finally call that bastard again; an invite to at least rekindle the chaotic tragedy that defined us.

But due to my spiteful cowardice our date was canceled before I could even care. It’s unfortunate, I could've used a good fuck from _my friend_. Like the _good ol’ days_ , I could have reaped the only benefit that our friendship ever had. Haha.

Really, I don’t need an excuse to contact that quack doctor. If I so pleased, he could easily be found in the same place as always, tucked away in his disgusting love nest while still pining over that headless fairy.

He’s still entrenched in that fruitless battle for her affection and it has become my own cruel irony. As long as he continues to chase the monster whom will never accept his advances, he’ll fail to see that the one who would accept his devotion is the monster that he himself created. I'm sure you don't need the latter’s identity called out or else you’re less perceptive than I expected.

_Maybe we were never '_ _friends' to begin with?_

Why, aren’t you a cheeky one.

You know nothing of the situation other than the vague details that I freely shared with you and with an unfair payment you accost me with a baseless opinion. You’re proposing that we had something else in lieu of friendship? Do you really believe me to be that daft?

If you’re inclined to broaden your perspective I could offer you the intimate details. Just keep in mind that I require monetary payment this time, much like all of my information. As it stands, though, you’re not qualified to give me your ignorant and tasteless opinion.

Honestly, how inconsiderate of an acquaintance to offer me hope like that…

**Author's Note:**

> This one might kill me to write. xD Poor Izaya and his fragile heart.  
> As always, comments and feedback are welcome and appreciated (I apologize in advance if it takes me a bit to respond).


End file.
